Catching up

 

It has been awhile since my last post ,sorry about that. The last couple of weeks have been hectic  taking care of some last minute details before going back to school and going to my nephew’s graduation and spending time with the family along with my mother coming to visit us in Dayton this past week.I realized how much fun family and friends can be along with a trip to the Columbus  zoo made this past week very good.I am exhausted with all the running around and just doing more than normal.

Lauren is learning new words and phrases over the past week or so .I found out that a lot more people read this thing than I originally  thought would.So I will try to post more often .I am going to pick up  my books for school on Monday . I excited and a little apprehensive about going back to school with me being forty and all but it is a lot than going back in my fifties.So this is short and sweet ,next time I hope it will be longer and more exciting.

                                                                                                                                      Thank you,

                                                                                                                                                    Don Parnell

To do or not to do

 

             It has been awhile since I have written a blog  and it seems I can not get away from it.I have been in a depressive funk lately and have not wanted to do anything.I am coming out of it and hopefully I will be writing more frequently.

       It is now time to quit living in the past and move on ,to stop allowing my past failures and shortcomings to define who I am and how I live my life.If I do not start to live in the present and plan for the future I will be dragged down by the past.I know it is easier said than done but nothing worthwhile is easy.I have a wife who loves me,a daughter who adores me,I am intelligent,kind,and able to do anything I set my mind and heart to do.I have so much to live for,I can no longer live the way I have been living.Fear is not an option.Can’t is hereby stricken from my vocabulary.I will write that book, I will get that degree,I will do,I will…….

 

                                                                                                                            Thank you,

                                                                                                                                                 Don Parnell

Clinical Depression and being Depressed

Being depressed and suffering from clinical depression are not the same .Feeling blue and sad is just a part of life sometimes, But Suffering depression is the worst .Not wanting to get out of bed ,take care of yourself or eat or  taking it out on those around you or all of the above.Every pain in your body is amplified , and be overtaken by sadness at the drop of a hat.The difference between being depressed and clinical depression is difference between having a hangnail and  having your toenail ripped off with a pair of pliers.One is a nuisance,the other is excruciatingly painful and it takes more than a couple of days and a pair of toenail clippers to get over.It takes medical attention and follow up care to make sure that it is healing right .Most people who has Asperger’s  are more apt to suffer a host of mental illnesses including depression.I suffer from it and I am finding it hard to get out of bed most days.I believe it is a combination of the anniversary  of my dad’s death,not having a job,and turning forty on the 30th of this month.There have been two other  debilitating  bouts of depression in the last three and a half years both lasting more than four months a piece.I know I can not let this happen again and I will fight to stop it no matter what.This is a quick post to let you know where I am at and to ask for your support and prayers through my journey. Thank you.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                              God bless,

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Don Parnell

Seeing the wind (my struggle with faith)

    It has been 20  plus years since I became a believer and I still struggle with my faith,Having Asperger’s  does not make it any easier in fact it makes it harder to believe.I tend to take things too literal sometimes and struggle with the abstract. It is difficult to get past my own preconceived  ideas about how God should work in my life.In Hebrews chapter 11 verse 1 it says “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for ,the evidence of things not seen” Now I know that is hard for some including me to understand.I equate the latter part of the verse to the wind you can not see it, but you can see the effects of it ,the blowing leaves, the swaying branches and trees etc… The same goes for the works of God .I have seen and experienced things in my own life that can only be described as  miracles.Like the time I was little and  burned my eyeball on a hot light bulb and mom and dad took me to the salvation army people and they prayed for me and I was healed and I have not had any trouble from that eye since.Or the services I have been in and seen people confined to wheelchairs  get up and walk and there are many more instances I have seen happen,but yet I still struggle with it all.My mind tells me it was coincidence, but my heart and soul tells me it was God.It is hard for me to reconcile my mind and my soul .The rational mind versus the  faithful heart is the hardest to reconcile especially when it is a battle that takes place inside your soul.   

Celebrate his life or mourn his death?

     That is question on the anniversary of my father death.17 years ago today He passed into eternity .I want to take this time to remember everything he stood for and everything he taught me.Family,hard work,financial stewardship.He taught me that family comes first that no matter how hard you work to always leave time for family even if it is just time to say have a nice day before he was off to his.He taught the joys and rewards of hard work and sacrifice.He was sick all his life and wasn’t supposed to live past his teens, but with shear determination and will he proved the doctors wrong, then in  1979 they found a brain tumor the size of a baseball sitting on the front part of the brain they removed it  less than a year later he was back to working on cars,and driving tractor trailers again.In 1984 his kidneys failed and he went on dialysis,1989 my mom donated to my dad one of her kidneys.In  1993 they did surgery on him to relieve the pressure around his heart.He was clinically dead for a few minutes before they revived him.He said that Jesus showed him Heaven and told him it wasn’t his time yet.1994 they found spots on his lungs and by the time they went in to remove it it was too late,the cancer had already spread to his lymphatic system he died in his sleep  at home with family around him ,but through it all he did whatever it took to make sure the bills were paid and there was food on the table even if he went hungry.He did the best he could with the hand he was dealt .I love him and miss him,But I choose this day to mourn no more and to celebrate this man’s life and the lessons he taught me and the life he lived in front of me for almost 23 years.Thank you Dad!

Changing things around

 

Yesterday my wife and I spent about 5 hours moving her craft items from the spare room upstairs to under utilized space right off the kitchen and moving my stuff into the spare room where I could have some privacy and be able to concentrate on my blog and school when I go back in June.Now just to fair I hate change and would rather  have my life structured and organized, but as I wrote before  “Change is the inevitable consequence of living our lives”I do have a nice view of the backyard though and it is such a nice day that I opened up the window and let some fresh air in.  I also changed the name of my blog .I know it is not much to you, but to me this is a major undertaking. just more change and I hope these little changes will help me with the major changes to come.

                                                                                                          God Bless you,

                                                                                                                            Don Parnell           

Storm Debris waiting to be cleared.

 

     I was looking out my window facing the backyard and the limbs from the ice storm this past winter are still mostly where they fell during said storm, some broken and bent limbs still hanging on to the tree almost like they are saying I’m still part of you.Others are strewn on the ground and still others are in piles waiting for someone to pick it up and use for mulch or fire wood.The scene sparked a kernel of an idea,what if we allow the debris from the storms of the past to still be part of our psychological landscape, the damage of past relationships ,our past addictions,even grief that you been holding on to for years.Will those things clutter your thinking and your psyche so much that it would be hard to live and think without that psychological debris getting in the way?Think about if you do not clean up after a storm you will have rubbish laying in your yard attracting bugs,and snakes and it could damage your grass or other parts of your landscaping .Imagine what those hurts and pains of your past are doing to you not just to you psychologically part how you physically live your life.I do not know about you, but for me  it has caused me to live in fear .I never reached my fullest  potential because I was afraid ,not of success but of failing again, so I gave up on being more and making more of myself even though I knew I had more to give.

      I wanted to make this blog into my personal struggle with Asperger’s.I will try to write more about my day to day life in future blogs.

                                                                                                                      Thank you and God bless you,

                                                                                                                               Don Parnell

Thursday March 31,2011

As the month of March closes out I think about the changes March has brought to my life and I have come to one conclusion, change can be good or bad it is how we handle those changes that alter our personal perception. We can either kick or scream bloody murder against the changes in our lives or we can allow these changes to impact us in a positive way. If we constantly look at the negatives and not the positives then we will always be stuck in this little box of rigidity and not be willing to compromise. If we look at change as something new and exciting we can open up and be more willing to compromise .Just my humble opinion.

Change is the inevitable consequence of living our lives.

                                                                               Thank you and God bless,

                                                                                                           Don Parnell            

Wed March 30 2011

I got my application for college done and I just have to wait for May 1st before I can register for classes.

   School was never my strong suit ,the academics I was good at, it was the interacting with peers I had trouble with.Always saying the wrong things,never being able to read body language ,not knowing if the pretty girl in English class liked me or not etc...I was always in the principal`s office getting suspended for fighting or cussing out someone or skipping school because I was bored with it.Needless to say it was a lonely,scary,and confusing time for me.So on my sixteenth birthday I quit school and got my GED and have been floundering ever since.I would meet with any type of resistance and walk away not knowing how or if i could get through it.So I have a life full of regrets and unfinished business.I pray that I can see this school thing through because I deserve to have a good life. I just want to move on with my life.

       

Tuesday March 29,2011

It is a week away from the anniversary of my dad`s death.This  time of year is always bad for me ,I have gotten mad,sad,meloncholy,depressed and  all of the above in the past.I just can`t seem to past this time of year without some type of mood or attitude change.I am on a new medicine this year .I pray that it will be strong enough to get me through this time.

Living with myself has never been easy the outbursts of anger and times of self doubt and pity have plauged  me my entire life.Putting a label of Asperger`s does not change those things it just makes it easier to accept them and work through those feelings of inadequacy.

Today was an o.k. day.I finished my financial aid paper work and sent it off now all I have to do is contact the school and go from there.Wish me luck.

    Thank you and God bless you,
                                           Don Parnell

Monday March 28,2011

Growing up I was told that I could do anything I put my mind to,but to someone like me who learns more by the combination of all three learning styles it was only part of the story like trying to write a report on a book that you have only read the first 10 chapters of .It is hard to do with any degree of success.
  
  I had a terrible night`s sleep last night up early went back to bed slept late, lazed around most the day found it hard to do anything .I feel the depression coming on again and I want it not too.I love my family too much for them to suffer through this again.

  I will write more tomorrow.
                                 Thank you for reading.God bless you,
                                                                Don Parnell

Introductions and salutations.

  March 27,2011